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A homeless man’s open letter to the mom who wrote the open letter to Gwyneth


Dear Mackenzie,

Thank you for writing that saucy letter to Gwyneth Paltrow!

Evil Gwyneth paltrow

As a homeless man, I couldn't agree more!

She doesn't understand how hard you have it waking up so damn early (in your nice soft bed without the fear of being stabbed for your shoes).

Mom in Bed

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to get up extra early to squeeze in that pesky warm shower--the one that gets you clean and smelling like pomegranate sunshine or sea-breeze melon.  That heartless bitch, Gwyneth, probably has no idea what it's like to smell like Target shower gel!  I mean, c'mon, you barely have enough time to put on your warm clothes before your child, who still loves you, wakes you up.  I feel for you, that you're probably still wrapped up in fluffy fresh towels that you had to painstakingly wash in your Maytag washer/dryer combo. . . I bet they don't even have hand-wash settings the way Ms. Paltrow's probably does.

mom laundry

As I type this from the computer at the library (the same one I can't get porn on anymore because they've blocked it), I bet you're on your way to your job in your mini-van.  I'm sure it's impossible to reach the DVD player to quiet down your child.

mom in mini van

When your long day of work is over, you don't get to relax like Gwyneth or like me, on my freezing sidewalk.  Nope!  You have to continue caring for your family (who, as I've mentioned, still loves you) by preparing hot meals for them. *stomach growl*


I can't imagine how exhausted you must be by bedtime.  By then you probably can't fall asleep with all of the worries on your mind. . . I mean, of course, you don't have to worry that the squirrel in your beard might have rabies, but you have a lot on your mind, and I want you to know that I feel for you.  You go girl!  Thank you for fighting the evil Queen Gwyneth for the rest of humanity!

post note: Gwyneth, I want you to know that I love you in the Iron Man movies (especially since the library now blocks my other favorite movies) so contact me if you are touched by my response to this silly goose.

sexy gwyneth paltrow